Marriage Is Forever (according to God’s design)

Marriage Is Permanent God’s design for marriage is that it lasts for life. Marriage is for the benefit and happiness of God’s creation, “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone’ I will make him a helper comparable to him.'” (Genesis 2:18). Marriage gets knocked a lot these days. Some view marriage as man’s greatest curse, but God intends for it to bring him happiness, “Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 9:9). Marriage is a permanent relationship because we enter into that relationship and responsibility of our own free will. When we make our vows to one another, and to God, then God binds us to our promise, “Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you on earth; therefore let your words be few… When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it, for He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed. It is better not to vow than to vow and not pay.” (Ecclesiastes 5:2-5). A person does not have to make such a commitment or pledge–but when he does, he has to stick with it. Marriage is a lifelong partnership–through good times and bad. By taking away our choice about whether or not we remain married, God is not imprisoning us–He is freeing us. Taking away the choice to divorce gives us greater freedom to work together to find a way of making marriage work. “Till death do us part” is more than an empty expression–it is a lifetime commitment “For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.” (Romans 7:2-3). Jesus’ disciples said, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” Jesus said that not everyone would be able to accept that truth–but that was the truth (Matthew 19:11-12). Temporary Separation There are times when problems become so overwhelming that a couple may need a period of cooling down and internal reflection, before the marriage erupts with destructive, catastrophic force. Sometimes a temporary separation may be in order. The apostle Paul makes such a concession–not as something advisable, but as a concession–“Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But I say this as a concession, not as a command.” (1 Corinthians 7:5-6). This is not a separation to determine whether or not a couple will work out their problems and stay together–it is a separation with the expressed purpose of coming together again. Notice the nature of this separation.

  • By agreement between the two (7:5). This is not a decision for one to simply walk out on the other.
  • For a limited time (7:5). But not long enough for Satan to tempt one for his/her lack of self-control.
  • Devote selves to prayer (7:5). Fervent, penitent, praying hearts have a much better chance of succeeding than others.
  • Come together again (7:5). The entire purpose of the separation is to work things out–not decide whether or not to work them out.
  • This was a concession (7:6). It was not the ideal situation. It was not the best thing to do. It was arguably not even a good thing to do, but it was better than divorce.


Posted on December 8, 2007, in Divorce, Marriage. Bookmark the permalink. 27 Comments.

  1. Thanks for many good points.

  2. Larry,It has been awhile since I have posted anything but you have been on my mind today for some reason. I check in often to see if you have posted any new material on the blog and my daughter was really hoing you were going to serve VN. Job and I are doing good. It has not been easy but each day we have committed to walking in truth and not looking back to this summer. I have kept up with you thru LL and am glad you and Cathy are doing well. The marriage the two of you have is such a lighthouse for so many. I think back to that first post in Aug and am so grateful God had you in place to hear my cry. The affair I had was definitely a defining moment in our lives. I would give anything to turn back the hands of time and erase it but I cannot. I can say though God has been glorified even though. My marriage is stronger. I believe both of us have grown and matured. Never again will the defenses in our hearts be so weak. The person I had the affair with did try to reconcile with his wife but unfortunately neither of them had a foundation to build on. She left him the end of Nov. He tried to rekindle the relationship with me but this time I was stronger and understood the cost. It is amazing how we believe we are so in love with the fruit before us, but after time and giving ourselves truly to Gods guidance he shows us what love really is. It is not a person we perceive to be the ideal. It is not lust, it is not anything more than sacrificially giving ourselves to the person we committed our life too, no matter what. Today I can look my husband in the eye and tell him I love him. I can get mad at him and not worry about how it is going to trigger mistrust. I can walk clean and free.Thank you once again for this venue and the willingness to speak truth. AS always when you pass by people say “there went a man of God” Please give us meet to chew, challenge our relationships, keep us on our toes. We need you and miss you musingsLW and Job

  3. Great WEEKEND!!!!! You are one of the best Spiritual Director’s the community has!!!!

  4. Larry,It has been a week since I posted but we are doing great. We have been busy spending our evenings reading the Bible together and have spent sometime with our friends. By the way they are doing great too. I want to be able to post and had hoped you would have put some new material on here to help us and to encourage us. We check in often but really want to move forward and not camp here in Marriage is forever so post post post.

  5. Just checking in to give a praise report. God is so good and he is so faithful. Last night my husband and I were able to take major steps toward restoration. He was able to come clean with me entirely about the affair and truly repented of having walked this path today we are walking new and walking free. Yesterday was a RED LETTER DAY. To everyone reading this if you are an unfaithful spouse there is forgiveness if you repent and began walking with the lord. If you are the spouse of an unfaithful partner don’t give up. God desires nothing less then for your marriage to experience his power to restore. My husband posted about a book I gave him the name of it is ‘When a Spouse is unfaithful” by Tim Jackson. I found it on Amazon it was so simple but then God does use the simple to confound the wise. Larry you have been great to allow all of this to unfold here Thank you once again thank you for being the man of God you are and for the way you and Cathy have demonstrated over the past few years a model of a Godly marriage. The words you speak of her and her of you are always affirming and the love and commitment you two model always inspires. By the way I heard from a friend both are you are serving in Music City this Fall. I just may have to call and see if there are any openings on the team. Stay in touch and let us know when you are going to be preaching next at Richland who knows we may just slip in and surprise you.By the way we need some new meat to digest. We have read everything on the blog please post something soon. LL

  6. Brother, I am inadequate to offer a response to any of these marital inquiries, and yours is no exception. The danger, the very risk is that someone’s marriage, their very lives and the lives of their children and possibly generations could be directly impacted by the words I pen herein.However, I creep onto the limb gently and offer this humble evaluation.Your silence as far as the church is concerned: She, not you, sinned. Her sin is against you as her husband, against the church by virtue of her membership in the body, and most importantly against the One True God of Heaven. As Pastor, you do not publicly devulge anyone else’s sin to the congregation, you only encourage them to repent. You should do no different for her. And, for that matter, the repentance should be no more public than the sin. I would strongly suggest that it be made perfectly clear to your wife, if she is still in the relationship 1-week from the church’s planned annivesary shin-dig, that you are obligated to them to cancel the celebration altogether. Furthermore, if she is still in the other relationship, you do have a responsibility to the congregation and you cannot continue to serve in that role with single mindedness and focus. Take a sabbatical, get some face-to-face godly counsel, and set your course. Keep the faith, finish the race, fight the good fight. Covenant. Violating it is unimaginable to the one violated, but is it equally unimaginable to keep their part in the covenant as the violated. Covenant.1 Corinthians 2:2Larry

  7. Larry, I have been up all night trying to deal with the emotions I have and trying to understand what God would have me do. I have tried to step back and look at the situation from a Pastor’s heart and not a husband’s heart. I want to protect my wife because I love her and I know a part of her wants to put aside her sin and restore our marriage I also am tormented with the knowledge that to have committed such a violation of trust, not only to me, but to our church is a very serious sin. Adultery is not something that is easily committed. “Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” [James 1:14-15] This is a process, and anyone truly walking close to the Lord in holiness will see it coming and take action to avoid the sin, “A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.” [Proverbs 22:3] for her to continue in the adultery for months reveals a heart that will not respond to the tremendous guilt and conviction of the Holy Spirit that would have been associated with the sin. This is where I am stumbling. If she ended the relationship and was truly repentant than I believe we would be able to restore our marriage and God would allow us to continue to serve our body. Then I have to wrestle with 1 Cor 5:11 “But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.” Is my very silence as great a sin as her emotional affair? Am I accountable to the church by being silent? Brother I have to find answers today I cannot continue to walk the fence. My very life my call, my passion, my purpose all hang in the balance. The sad thing is our 30th Wedding Anniversary is next month. The church is planning a big celebration for us. It is all too much. This is so painful how can 30 years of both of us being in love committed to each other and to the call God had placed on us be so easily discarded. I talked to My wife some last night and at this time she says she will end it by then but I do not know if she can find the resolve to follow through she has faltered to many times. Please read this carefully and help me to see more clearly.

  8. Brother Larry,I was searching the internet a weeks ago doing a word study on Kerusso when I hit your site. Since then I have been following the post and how you have responded. It has been a painful and emotional experience. Let me start by saying I am not involved in an affair my wife is. Let me also say I am a Pastor of a large Church not in Tennessee. I really cannot say more than that and I am sure you understand why. I am walking through this alone at this time as I do not have anyone I can go to or share this situation with. I also was not comfortable posting the details here in a public place unless I am ensured of total anonymity. Therefor I will not publish the state my Church is in. From what I have seen there has been the utmost respect for the posters and a strong understanding of personal privacy. I have been walking this alone for several months now and for the first time am truly beginning to have doubts about my choices. God has made it clear I may not divorce my wife although she refuses to end the relationship she is in. If I divorce her or even separate from her I will lose my Church. The Bylaws are very clear. My wife knows this and feels she can control my actions with the knowledge I can not go public. Larry I can not even begin to describe the pain one experiences in this situation. She says she loves me and if she could end the relationship with the other guy she would. She has told me there has been no intercourse but she is in love with him also. She keeps asking me to please give her time. She wants to repent and return to the marriage but cannot overcome the desire to be with this person. In addition to this my wife leads the woman’s ministry at our church where she is often called to counsel with women in troubles marriages and in the process of a divorce. I am struggling because I know she is not fit to do this and it is a mockery of God to continue. If I pull her the church will want to know why. If I leave her I am a partner in her sin by my knowledge. I have God for release to separate and he is clear. He hates divorce and he wants me to reconcile with my wife. Larry how dod you do this with someone she wants no relationship with you. I have tried to walk in faith but the truth is I am beginning to believe it is my shame and the desire to not lose the ability to preach the word keeping me silent and not the voice of God. How could he ask anyone to bear this burden. Larry imagine you had a mental picture in your head of another man holding your wife. Caressing her kissing her. Imagine all the ways she touches you now being given to someone else. It is enough to drive a man mad. The words of love and support she once poured into our lives are silent they belong to someone else now. I have seen miracles happen in the lives of people I have counseled but Larry I am unfit to counsel my own heart. Never have I seen a person so able to say they love God with all their heart and want to please him and at the same time so set in not people in my experience when they are faced with the spouses discovery of adultery end the relationship because of the deep sorrow and pain they have caused even when they did not want to. I am unable to understand how my wife can say she wants to save our marriage but cannot end the relationship at this time.Please brother do not consider me weak. More than anything I need another man of God to come beside me and speak truth.

  9. Larry,It has been a long week and I really feel like I have not had a chance to slow down. We are doing ok. Have had victory’s and have had some harder moments to. Trust is critical and is something I am trying hard to restore. My husband has been wonderful but I know he is still hurting. I made it through the week with no personal contact. I still have not had an calls on my resume keep praying. I can say the pain of separation is easier then it was a week ago. I think back often to your funeral arrangement analogy and can not help but wish I had done it sooner. Dying to self is truly allowing God to help me come back alive. Funny isn’t it. I was so mad when you said that thinking I can not kill this part of me and him but yo were right it is the only way and I will never regret it. We are even talking about maybe one day being able to say look at what God has done in our lives. The freedom to not hide is amazing. By the way our daughter is doing great. She has noticed the difference between us and it is so fun to watch her beam when she sees us. God is Good.I loved the video of Chris and Christy great job. Well I hope you and Cathy have a great three day weekend, are you two going to get to go away? If not plan a day together I am sure both of you stay to busy to always get the time you deserve. we love you.WA

  10. Larry and CathyThank you both of you for all you have done in the last few weeks. Larry you have been great and Cathy you had words I really needed last week. You saw my husbands post a minute ago. So we are taking little baby steps. Please pray for us and keep us in your thoughts. We know it is not going to be easy and there is a lot of hurt to get through but God will be GlorifiedLL

  11. Larry,I wanted to let you know it is over. This morning I had a counseling session with someone who agreed to see me quickly. Afterwords LL and I met with the the person I am having the relationship with and told her it had to stop. It was horrible we all cried. But in the end I really think we all know it has to stop. I am going to begin individual counseling next week and when he feels I am ready to we will start marriage counseling. I still can not say I am stable or even that I can interact appropriately with LL. I went in with my counselor and ll and talked to my supervisor. They are not going to terminate me but put me on probation with the understanding I follow through with all counseling. I have the rest of the week off.So I m trying and will continue to read your blog as one of my means of support. At this time i still do not want to revel it is just to much and the embarrassment ot everyone is huge. It revels and other couples. I hope you understand out position

  12. MM,You say that if you stay with your wife, this ‘other’ woman would go public, costing you your employment. Is that how much she loves you? Is that the love you are wanting to leave your wife and kids for? Wow!!! Is that the long lasting, agape love you learned about and just have to have?Bottom-line: you have to make a choice, there will be hurt and feelings of loss either way, but only one-way will allow you to live with yourself once its over. Leaving your wife guarantees you lose you job, and staying with her and the other woman going public does not. And yes, I believe forgiveness is a real thing, I believe healing and restoration are very possible, where love exist or where it is allowed to grow. I believe love can exist where love did not exist before, if both parties are committed to that end. It cannot be said enough, love is NOT an emotion, or lusts, it is a decision, a covenant between two people. I would meet with you in strict confidence, just to talk. From what you’ve said, no matter what you do, it will likely go public….. so what do you have to lose by talking with one person at this point? If not me, talk with someone.larry

  13. Larry,I have read Romans today and tried to hold on. I did not call her at all and did not answer when she called. I am hoping somehow to make it through the night. I really want to believe I can do this. I can not stand to walk in the door and see LL’s face look at me with such fear and sadness somehow I have to either make this stop now or leave. I guess I am MM

  14. Poor Larry, All these Anonymous responses and I am sure by now it is hard to keep up so here are names to help sort us outI am going to be WA (woman caught in adultery)My husband I am going to give him the name of JobWe know LLLL’s husband lets call you MMLarry I am going to say something here to MM because I know you will give him Godly council and speak truth to him but you can not address him from the perspective I can. What I say may sound harsh and offend someone I am sorry for that.MMAfter we talked earlier I knew you were going to post and I want you to see this in writing to really take the time to ponder what I am saying.MM wake up!!!!!! Let me tell you something you may not have thought about I was the other woman the one promising to leave my husband. And you know what I told lies that made my husband look horrible. I said he was selfish and didn’t listen to me and he laughed at my dreams. I said he leaves me alone to take care of everything.. In fact during the time things were most intense I would say anything to keep this guy from turning back to his wife. Now you know my husband and the type of man he is. My point SHE IS NOT TELLING THE COMPLETE TRUTH. She is telling you what you want to hear just like you are telling her what she wants to hear and LL what she wants to hear. Women are good at this rescue me. We are taught how to do it as young girls and master it as teenagers and men eat it up. Lies are what affairs are built on once we start lying then it becomes a balancing act keeping up with the whole charade. Think about it this way how many things have you said about LL that are not really true, don’t be stupid you know you have. She just doesn’t understand me. She ignores me she is cold and doesn’t make love to me. I heard all this and guess what NOT TRUEShe needs you, bull she needs God so do you, so do I, in fact we all do. Adultery all it is is SIN no one finds true happiness in the pit of sin. It may feel good and it may give a minute of relief but it is death. During the time I was cheating on Job I lied all the time. I told the guy I would leave, I told him anything he wanted to hear. Do you understand? Anything. Now he was doing the same to me so in the end here is truth. You do not owe this woman ANYTHING period. You both are walking in sin and out of the will of God. You can not make her happy nor can you take responsibility for her sin. Tonight, you need to get on your face and pour this out to God. He and only he can heal you. Let him do his work in you and let him do his work in her. Take care of what God has given you to Sheppard and stop trying to steal someone else’s sheep. Look I love you and I know the lies Satan is telling you he whispered them and never let up to me for so long. Every waking moment every minute I slept. The only way I broke the chains was by being real with God giving him my complete surrender and truly repenting. You can not do this by yourself you must repent. Stop reasoning stop pretending; do not allow Satan to continue using you and this person as his pawns. MM I am judging you or belittling you I am allowing God to use my shortcomings to hopefully communicate to you the truth lying underneath the passion and emotions an affair carries. Purpose in your heart, take it to God and walk away and find forgiveness in the arms of your wife. Yes she can forgive you ask Job.

  15. By the way LL told me today if there was anymore contact period I had to leave. Not very fair is it. I believe she should back off. Yes I am a little irritated

  16. Larry,You know what LL was told you and she let me read the emails all of which is true. I did leave home a few months ago because the woman I was involved with told me she would leave her husband if I left first. After 4 months she had not left yet and I asked LL to let me come home. Here is the thing that is driving me nuts. I do have real feelings for my wife. She is a great person, the other woman I have fallen in love with. She is amazing she listen to me and is easy to be around, she fits and She loves me too and wants to be with me; her husband talked her into giving the marriage another chance and made all kinds of promises. Well to make along story bearable after she told him she would stay she still continued to call me and we would sneak to each other whenever we could. We want more than anything to be together. I asked her to give me a date when she would so as she promised and move in with me and she kept hedging and saying I just need a little time to make it happen. I got tiered and talked LL into letting me come home. Well she stated throwing a fit. If I loved her I would not go home to LL I would be willing to wait for her. After being home for a few days I have come to realize I do want to make my marriage work. At the same time I want to make this woman I adore happy and give her the life she deserves. Her husband is a jerk He always tries to control where she goes and who she sees. He is stingy with their money and treats her like a object not a person. There is a part of me that knows LL can make it she is strong. This woman needs me. She is good and honest and deserves someone to be there for her. But so does LLThere is another problem I work for a large Christian organization and infidelity is grounds for dismissal. Rock and a hard place no matter what I do. I leave I lose my job. I stay this woman goes public I lose my job. So I decided to risk it and told the woman we had to end it. Well you think things would get easier. NO the woman calls me and emails me and begs me to not desert her I feel like I am drowning. LL knows even though I have ended it in my heart it is not over. I have tried to explain to her (LL) how much this person needs me and that I owe her some happiness. I told LL I am trying to make it work with us. She told me make a choice and make it now time is up. How can she not understand it is not that easy? She thinks I can just say goodbye and walk away from true happiness. I said earlier well I guess I deserved that yesterday. The truth is I am scared and am tired of this. I want things to just go away and they won’t. I am trying to stick to my resolve but I don’t know if I can. LL dies deserve better than this I agree but I want more then I have now. Women are hard things to figure out right now both are driving me crazy. How do you do it. How can people find happiness after they screw up so badly? If I stay will there even be a chance we can make it. I know LL is reading this so please know she knows how I feel and the questions I am asking. Right now she is saying she will forgive me if I just end the relationship for good. Does forgiveness really ever happen or is it all a big dream. I meant every word of it. I also have made both women promises that contradict each other. My whole life is now a lie, and I am getting tiered of juggling. Something has to give. You know saying all this is so pitiful I know. Well giving up this woman to find myself in a relationship that will never make LL or me happy is pitiful too. I really don’t know if she can truly forgive me for the crap I have her through.

  17. My brother, I value your sharing and concerns. I am on my way out the door to a Vida Nueva meeting but will provide you a response worthy of your posting as quickly as I can (most likely tomorrow). Meanwhile, read Romans 12:1-2.Blessings…..

  18. LarryWell I guess I deserved that yesterday. The truth is I am scared and am tired of this. I want things to just go away and they won’t. I am trying to stick to my resolve but I don’t know if I can. LL dies deserve better than this I agree but I want more then I have now. Women are hard things to figure out right now both are driving me crazy. How do you do it. How can people find happiness after they screw up so badly. If I stay will there even be a chance we can make it. I know LL is reading this so please know she knows how I feel and the questions I am asking. Right now she is saying she will forgive me if I just end the relationship for good. Does forgivness really ever happen or is it all a big dream.

  19. Larry,Yesterday was my first day back to work. It was hard I was not prepared for the flood of emotions I had when I first saw him but we both made a deliberate choice to avoid any personal conversations. Surprisingly by the end of the day it was much easier. My husband picked me up for lunch and this helped a lot. This morning I did not feel that rush I have felt in the past months when I saw him. Instead I felt sorrow. I am allowing God to replace those feelings I had for him with what he wants to fill me with. I pray each day will be easier. I now know I can do find joy in my marriage if I look for it. I know my husband can meet my needs if I allow it. Each day brings small miracles in Gods equations I am one of them. One thing I am doing though is putting my resume out. I am scared but know without a doubt it would be best in the end. Temptation is easy to overcome when you are focused on staying away from it. I do not want to find myself unaware and placed in a position I don’t want to be in. So pray God opens the doors to a great job he has picked for me. Continue to pray for the family of this other person also. He and his wife have so many obstacles, more than we do if he is going to be restored not only to his family but to his calling. I hope everything is going good for you at Richland, I am at some point going to talk to our Pastor about having you come and conduct a marriage retreat if this something you are interested in. Let me know.

  20. I wanted to post this as a public apology to everyoneLarry and CathyTruthfulness, my husband and I have been talking alot about this today and how critical it is to our making this work. During this conversation I have become very convicted about a couple of things I need to share with you two. Larry please forgive me for using a name from the community that is not mine. When I began emailing you I was desperate and scared. I knew I needed help and I knew no one in the community knew what was happening in my marriage so I set up an account and used a name. This was wrong and dishonest. The truth is neither my husband nor I are ready to come out at this time. I guess we are holding on to some hope we can pull this together without tarnishing our character (funny right). I would very much like to be able to continue emailing you and I know my husband is hoping to have some blog dialogue with you Larry. I understand if you feel you can no longer support these communications, your trust has been violated and for that I do seek your forgiveness.Do let me say I have been honest about our circumstances. It was the shame of where I find myself I tried to hide. There are no words to describe how humiliating all of this has been. Thank you one again. I love you both and hope to one day be able to look you in the eye and say thank you. If not here then in heaven.LL

  21. To LL’s Husband…Your posting: ” So LL said I should read all this and I have. My question is: what if I end it but miss her so bad I start to hate my wife instead of just feeling guilt? Sorry LL you asked for it. Larry do you have an answer for that because I am miserable. I do not know if I can live without either.”Larry writes: Sir, I can only offer these words:”LL” DID NOT ask for it! I read your post some days ago and was unable to respond as I was on a women’s weekend in Western Kentucky. (Awesome weekend BTW!) Good thing – as my response to you for making such a comment toward your wife infuriates me and my knee-jerk response would have been far less gracious. She did not ask for it! You are the one that thrust her into this situation. She does not deserve your arrogant, condescending remarks, or the blame for your poor choices. You are in an adulteress relationship, at least be man enough to limit your destruction to her marriage and heart, and do not attack her character or publicly mock her. Probably not the answer you were expecting. My aim is not to offend you, but I am not passive and will not standby and see such a public display of disrespect shown your wife. If I herein offered you anything less than straight forward, honest counsel, it would be insincere. Friend, if you love your wife, you will not hate her. To think you would merely suggests you are pondering whom to blame for your poor choices and hurt. Although sometimes women don’t recognize it, as men we simply need a good dose of admonishment. That is all I am offereing here.Believe it or not, after several days of prayer and much re-writing – this is offered in love and an attempt at grace.love your non-condemning brother,

  22. Larry,LL just call me and told me she was going to email you and ask for your forgiveness. I am going to add this because I know her heart. It is because of her emailing you in the first place I had the courage to post to you. With your encouragement I was able to begin to believe I could make a change and save my marriage. Because of this her husband for the first time has a hope he can find freedom. The sin of adultery is far reaching isn’t it, desperate people doing desperate things. I hope you will find grace in all of this.By the way tell Cathy she is looking great! I saw her last night at the boy’s (S) We missed you. I wanted to talk to her a minute but did not get a chance to tell her, so please tell her for me. As if you don’t tell her a hundred times a day how beautiful she is. In fact I was talking to some of the other women about my daughter and how much she loved you. We all started talking about the two of you!! (Nice to know isn’t it) we took a vote and all of us said if our husbands adored us as much as you adore her and if we adored them as much as she adores you. There would be no problems with faithfulness. You two will forever be for many of us the hope we can look to to show us on earth what God envisioned marriage to be.

  23. Larry if you can talk to him it would be great. Also I know this is long if you want to rework it and possible re post as a blog topic I do not mind, nor do you have to. I think a lot of people need to hear this there is so much available for the hurting spouse this speaks to the one who did the hurting.My dearest friend and you do know I care deeply for you and LL. I am definitely not in a position to judge but want to share with you something I put together before (B) came up and tweaked after I really moved into repentance. I kept a journal and some of this came from thereNot too long ago you and LL, truly had a love relationship. Then it happened (it did for me) you meet someone and they sparked something deep inside you did not even know was there. You begin by sending text messages, making phone calls and exchanging emails in the name of friendship and enjoy it too. It brings a fresh feeling to your life and before you realize you fall into another relationship that turns your world upside down. Today you have a choice allow Satan another victory or end this heart breaking situations and stop cheating and collect yourself. You have met someone new and the chemistry between you two sends out sparks. You love spending time with this person and would give up almost anything for another meeting. You start neglecting LL in fact you do not have time for her and suddenly start losing interest. The friendship with the significant other is blossoming in to a full blown affair. In your heart you know it is wrong but do not accept it. You start find faults with your present relationship to justify your affair. You get into an extra marital affair and soon you are in love. Controlling your feelings seems impossible. Although you may feel guilty you continue your affair. I am learning it is the same for each of us in this situation. It is hard to give up this new love it is fulfilling some need. For example, if you seek intellectual stimulation and your partner is not providing that, you may find yourself getting attracted to somebody who is brainy and fulfills your mental needs. If it is someone carefree and full of excitement, it may be because our spouses are dealing with the responsibility of reality by themselves. Every little text message, every call and every meeting becomes special, even if it is not going anywhere in the future. Your needs, emotional or physical, are being met by somebody else and you will find it difficult to give it up since you find it difficult to let go off all the stimulation and need fulfillment. You cannot suddenly deal with a vacuum within you. That is why you may find it very difficult to stop cheating. Difficult as it may feel and be, it is not an impossible task. Even after one quits smoking, he goes through painful feelings but certainly survives. You will live. Stopping yourself from cheating can mean saving lot of trouble and instability. You have to stop something that is wrong. Here are some things I focused on to help me, a guide to be sure I did not return to the relationship and to help me to stay faithful to my husband •Avoid putting it off or waiting for the right moment to stop cheating. Just do it there is no right time. It never was right to begin with•Call up your ‘other’ or email that you cannot be in the relationship this sound harsh to not be face to face but it is critical for two reasons 1 You are stronger when you do not have to look each other in the eye and It protects you from your emotions sending you stop signals2 It is critical our spouses hear or see the words of closure from you to the other person, otherwise they are never sure it is real.3 When the other person knows you allowed your spouse to be part of the ending it sends a clear message you are going to try and save your marriage. •Control the urge to meet up for just one last time, even if it is to end DO NOT MEET WITH THEM. YOU ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH. I KNOW you do too•Avoid constant messaging and phone calls all contact must be cut off. If you work together only allow strictly professional exchanges and I have agreed to share these with my husband as part of rebuilding his trust.•Repentance. As hard as my husband was trying it was not until I was brought to true repentance and begged God to forgive me and then went to my husband and asked for his forgiveness that I could begin to heal. Our spouses know if we are not sorry and it is not over for them until we are. After I broke my husband was able to allow me to grieve and at the same time know I was committed to trying to make it work. Neither one of us knew for sure it would and here two weeks later he have more than glimmers of hope. We still have a long way to go but it is no longer bleak and hopeless.• Remember you have a partner who loves you. The pain they feel is real and deep we have a responsibility to help them heal• Avoid thinking what it could be and what I do not have focus on the things that are positive. No one made you marry LL you did it of your own free will. No one made me get married. Now we have to be the ones to rekindle those feelings, even when we do not feel them.• Remember it is not over until it is over. Protect, Protect, Protect yourself and your family as hard as it is you must visualize the other person as a enemy one who can destroy you. • Talk about what we expect from our relationship. Start dreaming and set some short term and long term goals.. Imagine what will be the consequences if I leave my marriage. Have conversations with people in my head. What would my dad say? I know what mine would have said. Picture the grief the family would endure. Imagine my children’s reaction.• I will concentrate on making my present relationship better. I will have to work harder than I ever had at this WE ARE the PERPETRATOR WE HAVE TO TAKE THE LEAD IN REPAIRING THE MARRIAGE. • Count your blessings and you will see that life has treated you well . Avoid criticizing my husband and comparing him to my ex lover. Every word will cut deeper and deeper. I looked into my husband’s eyes the other day and it hit me how deep his scars were. If you are feeling anger control it is not their fault, if you are lonely involve them in something you enjoy, if you are depressed GET HELP.• I will avoid comparing the situation with the movies We are for real • Show respect towards my husbands partner’s trust we lost it we have to rebuild it and frankly why should they trust us?o I will be accountable for all my time. I will not wait for my husband to ask me I will call if I am going to be late. I will call if my plans change. o I will let him know what is happening in my day at work or if I am at home and he is not there.o I have given my husband the passwords to all my activities. Email, phone and expect him to check them as he needs to.o I will tell my husband up front about any and all contact with my ex-lovero We will go to bed together I will not stay behind to battle temptation alone.• I will show respect towards my husbands emotions. My husband had been such a rock so patient but in the last couple of days he has crumpled some. I have come to realize he had held it together for so long he had nothing left. His feelings are as real as mine. He is hurting as much as I am. It is my place to allow God to use me to heal what I have wounded. God will heal me my husband is not responsible for making me feel better.• I will purposely spend more time with my husband. Do special things I think it was critical for us to spend the time away we did. Now that we are home we have made an agreement to be very deliberate about spending time with each other. The hardest part is learning to talk again; I kept secrets for so long now I need to be open and transparent. I need these as much as my husband does it is those little things that happen when you are falling in love.o Watch movies in the evenings (on the couch together)o Send love notes o Call for no reasono Plan surprises•Intimacy, I am learning this has to be deliberate and frequently. I have asked permission to be candied here and a little personal my husband has agreed. We had Sex throughout my affair. But I was not really engaged. I was getting cuddles and kisses and touch from other sources and pulled away from my husband. He in his hurt pulled away too. In order to restore true intimacy we are going to have to start over period. Remember what it was like to kiss and say goodnight the feelings of unfulfilled daydreams, this is what we are working to create. We held hands as we walked and talked this past week. He chased me and I allowed myself to be caught. I offered backrubs. We made a promise we would touch each other without sexual intent 10 times a day. At the end of the week we are going to see who has the most intentional touches and the one who has the least will have a consequence. Touch kindles endorphins in the brain leading to desire and bonding. PRAY. We each are committed to working on our relationship with God individually but it is by praying together we will find true intimacy• I will avoid being negative about my relationship or married life. My husband already has suffered enough.• I will Share with my husband when something happens that I am not happy about.

  24. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your battles and victories. He gives us our daily bread, fulfilling our every need daily, but leaving us in need of Him again tomorrow. Approach each day with fresh expectation and anticipation, He will never disappoint!!Keep me posted of His goodness in your lives, and how He will use this experience to use you both in ministry.Be blessed! your eternal brother and friend….

  25. You have demonstrated godly love for all parties, honored your covenant, protected generations, and glorified the Father; all this by simply repenting of sin. God is good isn’t He?!?!?!?!I will continue to pray for you and love you. And please do, keep me posted of what God is doing in your lives! There are many things I could share with you at this time, but I have chosen to simply share a Christian anthem, I hope you find it encouraging and a constant reminder daily… love ya, sister!Fellowship of the UnashamedI am part of the “Fellowship of the Unashamed.”I have Holy Spirit power.The die has been cast.I have stepped over the line.The decision has been made.I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, be still.My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure.I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals!I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity.I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded.I now live by presence, lean by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide is reliable, my mission clear.I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed.I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.I won’t give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I’ve preached up, prayed up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ.I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.I must go until Heaven returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes.And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me.My colors will be clear.

  26. LarryPlease do not misunderstand my reluctance to speak with you in person it is just not that easy. I am trying to stop myself from making more costly mistakes then I already have. So much hangs in the balance here. I have taken the next couple of days off work. I do have your email address and will contact you later with a way to get in touch with me. My hope is to be able to use today to strengthen my resolve and place myself at the mercy of my husband. I know I have placed you in an impossible position. It is unfair to ask question you could not possible answer or identify with. I pray God always protects your marriage and guards both of your hearts from the enemy. Thank you again for everything I will explain more later. By the way my daughter says you are amazing. I am so grateful she had the opportunity to sit under a man so full of the Holy Spirit. She has a deep distain for surface Christians and religion your witness and openness was instrumental in her weekend. She told me she had never seen a man who was so close to how she envisioned Jesus. WOW pretty impressive from a teenager. Thank you for your service to the lord and for your love

  27. Larry,You have been counseling with someone I know. She suggested I read your blog page and contact you. Unfortunately I am not able to call you or email you because it is critical no one know what is happening in my home. You see it is I who is having an affair with a man not my husband. This weekend my daughter will be with you on the campground please love each girl there and install in them the knowledge of God’s love. While she is gone I must decide if I am going to move out or not. If I do I will be gone when she gets home Sunday night. This is going to hurt her very badly and yet I am not sure I am strong enough to make the choice to stay. This is so hard to put in words and I am hurting so bad. My husband is a good man and does not deserve what is happening. He told me yesterday I had to make a choice. I sat all night and begged God to make this go away and he said NOTHING. I love my husband and I love this other person. My husband is kind, loving, patient; in fact until 2 months ago he was my soul mate. This other man is lavish; he makes me young again and hangs on my every word. He never makes me angry and is never put out with me. How do you choose? Both are pushing me to make a choice. My husband has been firm in saying it must end the other guy says if I leave he will take care of me. Sounds like a dream come true, two men both desiring to make me happy. Why do I feel so horrible?Doesn’t God want the best for me? Doesn’t he want me to be happy? If he is the God of forgiveness then nothing is out of his ability to forgive right. If I am truly saved then do I really have a choice? Roman’s 6 tells me if I am saved then when confronted with meditated sin I turn away is this correct. Dead to sin, is this, the key. See what I mean I am not able to do this. I can no longer see right from wrong. I know this all sounds crazy and you are probably thinking snap out of it but I have not been able to talk to my pastor and need help. Please give me some incite and guidance I know you think I want pat answers but I don’t, and please respond here I have agreed for my husband to have access to all my email as a condition to my still being in the house. Thank you for reading this if you finished it and please don’t turn your back in disgust.

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